no more fuel for you,not that you need it with your overly active imagination...

what i once thought was a wise man told me: the weather never changes.

and with that, i say good night.

my to-do list at the begining of last month read:

choose project for dissertation
do dissertation proposal
hand in 2x ecology work
get a job
hand in 3x career development work
work on and do animal welfare and ethics presentation
get a work placement (preferably a zoo)
pass statistics exam


this month done list...includes all of the above.

i actually rock.

this is all.ps:i passed everything with top marks. GET IN.

so things went a little bit poo.

my house fell to bits haha

it rained alot
it came through the roof alot
every wall in my house is wet
im now living at my parents again haha

but dylans with me and im not in my old room...far too many dark memories in there
so its all ok.


my brain has been spinning out of controle
nightmares back tenfold, reliving memories i thought i had got rid of
always happens like this

one day it will go away/die, either way it will be gone.


tbh i knew it would happen as soon as i found out, i just thought it wouldnt be this visual tis all. also doesnt help when fb pops up with old photos which should have the tital 'from all these, at the time, how the fuck did u not know what was going on?' / 'ah the good old days of being a mug'.

ironicly tho im about to eat dinner on it hahahahahahahahaha
ah the little things.

my tutor wants to help me publish my dissertation as a propper behavioural study piece.

people work ten years for this. i havnt even finished my degree.

my career may begin before i even finish the second year of my degree.

literally the happiest i could be!
just got to hope shes pregnant now :D binturong are fookin amazing!!!


also,dyly is recovering nicely. had an exam today (wich went swimmingly btw) and so paid george a tenner to watch over him. hes doing grand,a lot more dyly like today ^_^

not going out over the weekend, i have lots of work today and with dylys surgery costing me a small fortune i am not really in the position. im kinda glad in a way tho, at least i know now that i am infat adult enough to look after him. i paid for it myself which was money i earnt through making decisions for both mine and dylans benefit. and it worked splendidly ^_^

progress.
got to love progress.

i wrote that wrong....
theres only 103 in captivity in EUROPE!!

and theyr endangered.

and they look like they were made my dr seus

dylan got hurt :(

he ran far too fast and bailed into a metal fence. 6.5hours under sedation and surgery later...dylan is sewn back together again...albeit slightly lopsided :S

i love my dog, literally best thing that has ever happened to me! im not even upset that my bank account is now minus £200.

cant put a price on my dylan ^_^ so glad hes ok, such a silly mut.



also fookin EPIC NEWS!!!... i am doing my dissertation (not on a made up project that will be of no real benefit to anyone but get me a good grade) but... on TWO BINTURONG!!!

there are only 103 in captivity in the UK with a poor succes rate of breeding, it is highly important that they breed coz they are a keystone species (like elephants) which is my FAV type of species!!....and theyre the only mammal in the world with digestive enzymes that soften the outer shell of fig seeds....a major componant for other species diets and for canopy of the rainforest. so they are the only species that can disperse them and rejouvenate the fig canopy.


on top of that, these two in particular: are expecting offspring.

and guess whos doing the propper scientific behavioual report.... MOI!
iv had a meeting with the zoo manager (oh yes get me) and i start the study soon, and i stated the report today!

im going to be a real scientist...all befor i even finish my degree.

bring on LIFE!

find out about africa soon,man i wish i had enough money to sue people.

been hanging out with sinead lots lately, i love her i think shes fookin wicked! so thats making me happy, and daves a complete legend that u just couldnt ever fault so thats pretty fookin shweet.

had a job interview today.
they called me less than an hour after and gave me a trial shift.
drusillas is going well.
uni work is underway.

went to shep and dog fora pint,we walked there :) took us 2.5 hours over the downs, we met barry white the horse, numerous cows and even got naked. it was awsome. the pint was prety damn good too ;)

i think the dave and friends thing only actually applies to thom.
in which case i dont care.
i mean i do,but im not gunna get upset about it anymore.
im meeting maria next weekend, and robs coming to visit my new house soon and everyone else likes me being around coz i make dave happy and they dont have weird jelousy issues.
therefor things are ok.

sarah is a complete fooking legend. i will reply to ur mail asap.right now however dylans geting rather upset that i havnt walked him yet...

MWA X

i genuinly thought it was just me. but i love you girls on here for being honest coz it makes me realised that we all have iffy moments and we all know where we're coming from.
be it hormonal rage or actually issues that seem silly to ourselves, wer on the same page.

im finding myself becoming stuck in limbo, i havnt left brighton in months and its slowly grinding on me. i have been to smalldole a few times and those times i really wish i hadnt.

thom is really upsetting me,a lot more than i let on. he has told me in the last month that when i 'regected him' that he thought i was abad person. and in the last week hes told me that he was only making an effort to be my friend before coz he wanted to be with me. he then told dil that he was angry coz the only thing i ever say to him when i see him is that we dont see each other enough and whats the point as theres nothing to say and im empty.
all this is irrelevant however when he wants to tern up at my house at 5am drunk to sleep on my sofa and disapear in the morning without even a thankyou.

it makes me wonder if i really am a bad person. it makes me doubt myself and my capabilities as a friend and a person.
i still dont fully understand why several people have terned on me in the past five years, and altho its only 3 people i think about them every day.
i know they dont think about me everyday, but i think about them. i hope theyre doing ok, and i hope they reflect on how they treated me every once in a while and feel some kind of empathy for it. but i know really that they dont.

its making me also doubt my relationship with dave, i dont get invited out with his friends anymore coz they wanna see him and hes always with me and im always there. and altho i understand that, this is the one thing i didnt want to happen. i dont want to get in the middle of anyone and i dont want to be rejected because of it.

like tonight, he was going to go see a film with thom and dil, and instead he terned up at my house unexpected with three bags of food shopping, he knew i hadnt been eating propperly coz i dont have my loan yet so he bought me food and missed the film. and instead hes taking me to see it tomorow. so hes ditched them once again, but i didnt ask him to, i tried to get him to go but he wouldnt.

i feel like a terrible person.

my dreams have also been twisted lately, confusing me and making me feel out of sorts for the entire day and i cant place the reasons for them. exept when i had a dream that me dave and thom where floating in a bubble above the river themes and thom was trying to burst the bubble so wed all fal;l from the sky and die.i get that dream. that dream made me cry.
and i had a dream that i had a pet elephant and took it for a walk, and when i got bak dan was at my house with dylan, and he was taking him away and he told me i couldnt have dylan coz i was a bad person and iv replaced dylan with a pet elephant and so i should accept that dylan deserves better. i cried in that dream, and just though 'what the sodding fuck??' in reality,

its all very bizar. its funy how stress and confusion can cause so much mental strain. im mostly worried about the amount of money i ow people and the chance of southafrica sliding further and further away from me. im terryfied that its all falling to peices.

i miss my social life, i miss myself a bit too. thats one thing i definatly dont feel right now, myself.
am i wrong to of thought mine and thoms friendship was genuin?was i really a bad person for falling in love with his friend instead of him? i talked to thom about his feeling for me as soon as they arose, as i thought hes friendship was too beautiful to damage by ignoring what was obviouse or leading him on. maybe some people just react strange to rejection, i know i have before.

i just wish he was honest with me, and i wish i could understand,i wish more though that he would put down this wall and get to know me again without imagining me naked. as clearly thats all that was going on. haha hed be bitterly disapointed anyway :P

yay, i feel better now. thank you lj.

i dont know whats wrong with me. for the last three or so days ive been unhappy. and i dont like it.
i have assessed my life over and over and nothing is wrong.
my house is cool. my relationship is cool. my future plans are good. im such a fucking idiot.

its like im on my period but there should be no hormones racing round me right now, for ages infact.
harrys being a bit of a dick, which is grating on me, but thats okish.

and i start uni in a week and thats all good.

i think its that im just waiting for things to get started, there is literally nothing i can do right now which will progress me or help me out in any way.
and this is frustrating somewhat.

im also geting aggy that im constantly relying on dave to visit me, there is no way of me geting to his other than the bus which runs like never and is £6 or more. which meens if i got the bus to his when he finishes work, id see him that evening then at 8 when he goes bak to work, il have to wait for the bus and pay another £6 so thats £12 just in travel to sleep in his bed for a night/ have one drink with friends before going to bed.
and im volunteering at the weekends (soooo looking forward to that) but that meens i cant see him at the weekends either that much.

i feel like its a huge possability that wer going to drift apart in one way or another and stop hanging out so much, or itl become mundane and boring.

but then it gets even more fucked up..... whilst im freaking out about this, hes geting on with his stuff his new job and the pub and saving for a van and going on holiday with his mates for a week. i havnt left brighton for a month. i havnt met any of his mates since begining of the summer. i couldnt even hang out with maria for sw as i was working all the time. i feel like such an outsider its unbeleivable.

and its all coz right now, right this second, i have absolutly NOTHING going for me. coz im wiating, waiting for new jobs to be posted (next wednesday), waiting for uni (next tuesday), waiting for my loan (fuck knows) and waiting for travels.
and there is nothing i can do to progress to these at all right now.
how gash. i feel so un independent its killing me.